dream hunter

You wonder if you should take a step to the unknown. She leaped. You wonder if you knew how. She taught you. You wonder if you could. She did. A friend who's always there. A source of inspiration and admiration. Courageous, beautiful and full of amazing thoughts. She's someone so annoyingly perfect you'd want to hate her. But you can't help but love her. by iiris

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

about watching tv

My laptop has for long been the centre of my flat. It serves as the sound system, newspaper, post, phone, TV, home cinema, library and everything else. This is not too bad for a small machine. As I have lived without a proper television for years now I have also lost track of all the current series. I tend to be completely lost when the discussion moves into 24, Lost, Prison Break and what have we. This however has now changed.

Fir Christmas I got several DVDs with series. This was an excellent present as I finally could relax by watching an episode of something in between or after studying. Excellent. DVDs are rather pricey so after finishing the last episode I was back on square one, until Monday night. A friend of mine decided to spend few hours to teach me, via msn, how to download things from the internet. I new how to do this for music, but TV and films just had seemed too complicated for my little brain to figure out. In fact, it is all quite simple.

This morning, when I woke up I noticed that the first season of Grey’s anatomy had finished downloading (I got hooked on this one, when visiting my friend last week). I was all excited, I could now find out what was going to happen. My curiosity would be satisfied. I would no longer have to speculate.

The sun is out. It has been raining since I came back to Paris and now the weather is gorgeous. I looked at the files and I looked through the window. A dilemma. But a run won. I simply cannot sit inside, in front of a “TV” when the weather is like that. Maybe tonight, after school. Or during the weekend.

It is good that I never got that TV…

Monday, February 26, 2007

return from holidays

Yesterday at 7am my train arrived in Paris. I had spent the whole night comfortably stretched over three chairs and was woken up by the conductors announcement just before the train had arrived to its destiny.

I dragged my two suitcases threw the city that was still fast asleep. I, on the contrary, was fully awake. What waited for me at home was the trail of a hurricane. It had appeared in the form of builders. However, I could tell that under all the dust there would be a brand new kitchen and renovated bathroom. I no longer was upset about the fact that my fridge had broken a week before the holidays. Though I never thought that a tiny freezer section could make one so excited and happy.

By the time I returned from my second work shift of the day (the break in between as well as the time before I had spent scrubbing my flat) I was exhausted but still smiling. My legs felt heavy and I could hardly keep my eyes open but this did not bother me at all. Nor did the fact that due some unknown raison, there was no hot water in my flat.

Yet it was not until this morning, when I was boiling water on the stove so that I could actually have a “shower” did I realise how much good the holidays had done. Two weeks is not a long time and it goes fast but at the same time, if you can just relax and forget about everything, in two weeks things can be put into perspective and batteries recharged.

Now I just need to know how I can maintain my good moods and positive attitude until my next holiday, which in fact is so far away that I could not even count the days, even if I wanted to.

Friday, February 23, 2007

shopping and some starbucks

Today was a day in town. The idea was to go shopping as both my friend and I need a new handbag. Well, she really needs one and I really want one, but in effect it is the same thing. For me it was a nice change to have some company when going around the stores and for her it was the rare occasion when she is not pushing a pram around.

We started off by having coffee at Starbucks. Then we had a look at few shops and decided it was time for some lunch. After lunch we continued with our quest but didn’t, at the end, by anything. Or we didn’t buy handbags. And now then have a good reason to go again – until I have a smart and cool bag that is big enough for school and she has one that looks smart for uni but is also practical with the baby.

During our day out and about I realised how much I am actually missing my old life. This does not mean random shopping trips from which I end up coming home with numerous bags but with nothing I really need. It is more so the long conversations over coffee, going out for lunch at the same time solving the problems of life. Somehow all this has changed into a glass of wine in a smoky bar or a random chat on msn.

I am also missing early nights and early mornings. I miss clean air. I miss having company when doing sports. I miss long nights in front of the TV with a cup of tea. I miss reading good books.

And I noticed that I am looking for a place where all these things have gone…I think I have started to look for a new home…

Thursday, February 22, 2007


Should I get worried if by 10am I have had a lazy breakfast, a shower and done a 2h walk in the sun and I think I am having a perfect and perfectly relaxing holiday?

What about when I haven’t, since the beginning of holidays had a single drink, been to a single bar, been out once or stayed up past 23h?

Monday, February 19, 2007

perfect day

Yesterday still seems like a perfect day and thinking about it puts a smile on my face.

In fact yesterday was not a special day at all. The weather wasn’t particularly nice and I felt really tired. Before midday, I drove down to Helsinki from my parents’ place, with the radio playing Finnish pop on full volume. I suppose I was so into my private karaoke that I hardly noticed how fast I was driving, or then it was the time that was running.

I rocked up at my friends place – talking constantly and incomprehensibly. I think he was convinced I was in desperate need of fresh air so we went out to the closest ice rink. Winter and cold and exercise always make one want hot chocolate so we went grocery shopping. I got the basket carrying duty as he was going around the shop trying to find all the ingredients for a nice meal.

With a big cup of hot chocolate I watched him cooking, or planning to do so. As a cunning boy he complained about the mountain of dishes until I told him to get out of the kitchen until every single pot and pan had been washed – but afterwards my dinner was cooked for me.

We ate and watched TV. Then he disappeared to keep company to his computer and school work – I watched a silly new series, washed the dishes and made desert, and tried to be out of the way with very little success. But he did get to choose the film.

At the end, yesterday was nothing special. In fact it could be considered pretty boring. But at the same time it was just perfect.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

are we really growing up?

During the past week a have noticed a serious change in or topics of conversation. This might be partly due to the fact that on Thursday I was watching this year’s “Abit” on their “no more mornings ride”. It is only 5years ago that we were in the same trucks – throwing sweets to people watching us celebrate the last day of school.

Now, after spending yet another five years at school, we are starting to talk about the life after school. What are we going to do when we get a monthly salary? I have been told that this is something that appears to your account at the end of every month. It does experience strong fluctuations due to exams, much needed holiday or illness. Yet, at the same time it forced you to go to work on a regular basis. The times, when you could change a shift because of a big party or an important date will be history.

The monthly salary made its way into another conversation as well – children. A friend of mine pointed out that either her or her husband will have to get a permanent job after graduation – and due to her choice of career it won’t be her. This is not because adults are supposed to have a constant stream of income but because somebody has to feed their children – which are still at the stage of planning.

Children seem to creep into all conversations. One, a major one is that of apartments or houses – where should one buy to ensure that ones kids go to a good school and can play freely and be safe? Helsinki is seen as a big and dangerous city so the best place would be either in the suburbs or in a small town somewhere in the middle of the country. Top floor, without an elevator will no longer be considered nor a 2room and a kitchen flat.

Cars have to be changed as well. Still a year ago someone I know was proud of his beautiful Audi A4. The car was better kept than most women. But now, it will be changed into a more practical, more efficient and cheaper to use diesel.

And it is not only our minds that are changing but our looks as well. When I went to the pharmacy to buy multivitamins I was told that if I am planning to get pregnant I should not take the one I was going to buy as it had vitamin A. And this was the third comment along these lines, in one week.

Are we all seriously slowly sliding into the trap of four remote controls and Saturdays in front of the TV?

(my brother just asked me to join him in his quest to save the land of Coco pops – maybe there is still hope)

"it really is good for you..."

Tomorrow I have a date to go skating. On Wednesday my sister took me to aqua jogging. Apparently it is supposed to be very good for you. (she does say the same thing about swimming, which is the only sport I really do not like, except when I am so injured that everything is impossible, so I was rather sceptical) And though it does look extremely silly and feels even more so, it proved to be rather efficient form of exercise. I actually liked it so much that I went again last night – after my skiing date.

For Monday I have a place reserved for power step. It is yet another form of exercise that is supposed to be efficient, and at the same time it will not make me overly frustrated, like normal step, as the choreography is supposed to be rather simple.

Then there is obviously Pilates, though this time on a DVD. This and a mattress I should put into my suitcase to take with me. This way I can do “good for you” exercises in my own little home in Paris.

…I am slowly starting to wonder…is this a hint?

Monday, February 12, 2007

day of nothingness

It is funny how you can spend a whole day without really doing anything. I am watching my little breads baking in the oven and trying to figure out how I actually spent my day. Time just sort of disappeared while I was enjoying life’s little pleasures – like drinking milk straight from the carton. Or water straight from the tap, which is even more fun when my mum is in the other room. She does not like that at all. In fact she hates it. So you have to do it so that she doesn’t notice – excitement factor. I also baked bread – three different types. I love making a mess, have my hands in the dough and then have the whole kitchen smell of fresh bread. And I read a magazine. And I went skiing in the forest, when the sun was still up.

I think I like being productively unproductive.

must check flight times...

I had my last exam yesterday morning. In the afternoon I took a long nap, thinking that I would have enough time today to prepare everything for my holiday. After getting home at 4am I slept in and took my time drinking my morning coffee.

After one I finally was ready to go for a run – and the sun had come out as well. I ran for almost two hours, took a shower and collected my laundry into a big, blue Ikea bag and left to the laundrette. While my clothes were swirling in the machine I took my bike to my friend’s house as he had promised to baby-sit my precious when I am on holiday.

I walked back to the laundrette and transferred my wet clothes from the washing machine to the dryer. Knowing that I had two weeks of obligation free holiday in front of me I sat down, listened to music and watched those clothes going up and down and around in the machine – surprisingly relaxing. When I finally got back home it was already almost six o’clock. I turned my computer on to listen to some music. At the same time I decided to check from which terminal my flight was leaving.

SHOCK. HORROR. 20h15. My flight was taking off in TWO hours. This could not be right. I checked again. And for a third time. My flight was taking off in two hours. PANIC.

The whole day I had been convinced that I would have to leave from mine at eight, not be on the plane at eight. Obviously at this stage I had only started thinking about packing. Also, as I have builders coming to redo my bathroom (and some other people are supposed to replace my fridge that broke last week) while I am on holiday I was supposed to move all furniture into the other room. Excellent. Luckily I never ever hide my suitcase.

I poured the clothes from the laundry bag into the suitcase. A mess. Then I realised that the temperature in Finland was going to be -30C° from that of Paris – great. So I pulled few woollen shirts into the suitcase from the shelf. And obviously not the thick ones. As I just realised. I took my hand luggage and threw in two pairs of boots and my running shoes. And a handbag I had used the night before hoping that there would be some make up in it still. Then computer into its bag, both phones, camera, ipod, passport (which is always on the table next to my front door – I wonder why) and wallet. Due to exam stress and too many nights out I had a pile of jewellery on my desk, into the suitcase. Close the suitcase.

It was now 18h20.

Next step was my bathroom that needed to be emptied. I literally threw every bottle, tube and what ever else (why do I have 3different shampoos?) on to the sofa. Done. I realised that the wardrobe in the entry way was too heavy to be moved when full – shoes flew into the other room first and the cupboard followed. Table did not fit threw the door before being folded – shoot. Then chairs. What else. Bathrobe. Rubbish, must take rubbish out.

It was now 18h40.

I couldn’t find my keys. After a 5min of panic I realise they were in my back pocket. Gosh. I ran down six flights of stairs with one suitcase, one hand luggage, one computer bag and that rubbish bag. On to the street. No free taxis in sight. I pulled my luggage and ran towards a bigger road. Stop at ATM. TAXI!!!!!!!

It was now 19h00.

Traffic was jammed. We were stuck. I leaned against the back of my chair and hoped for the best. By 19h17 we were out of Paris. I could just make it. 19h28 “Did we say Terminal 1 miss?” “Yes Sir” “ What time is your flight miss?” “Too soon”. We had arrived. I crabbed my bags and ran. To the check in. Security. And finally at the gate.

I made it.

Monday, February 05, 2007

but i'm NOT a runner

I just got back from a 1h45min thinking run. From the first step to the last I was wondering if I could ever really be a runner or do I just want to keep running.

Earlier today I was contacted by a rather good athletic club. They would like me to represent them when I run. In return I would get coaching and help and access to competitions that I normally couldn’t enter. My name would appear in rankings and statistics and anybody could see the rate, at which my shoes were hitting the ground during my last marathon or semi-marathon.

For years now, running has been something I do for myself. I set my targets, I decide on my training or not training, I choose when to participate and when to stay at home. I spend lots of time on the road and I go fast or far or both – depending on my mood. I don’t have to answer to anybody or feel like I will let someone down if I don’t do well, make progress. I like running around aimlessly even if that doesn’t give me a medal or my face on to the back pages of a newspaper.

I am afraid that if I say yes to this people I will stop being lucky enough to run and instead I will have to run. And what if I simply am not fast enough? Is there a risk that my running shoes will become my worse enemy?

I don’t think I am a runner.

Saturday, February 03, 2007


Last night we went to the cinema to see Blood Diamond. The idea of “going out” gave me some motivation for revision, though somehow it is a bit too easy to find alternative tasks, that must be done right there and then.

Anyways, we were all pretty tired but had high expectations. And we were not disappointed. The film was excellent. I won’t say it is not at all Hollywood and at times a bit cheesy but all in all…wau. I am not a huge fan of Dicaprio – or should I say I wasn’t before. Not only has he turned into a Man but also he seems to have found is talent that has been hiding somewhere in the cupboard the past years. And the rest of the crew was equally impressive.

I noticed that as the film went on I started missing South Africa more and more. It is just the accent (not so much the Afrikaans) that made me shiver. And the scene where the girl was having coffee, sitting on a terrace...that view…oh so familiar and so beautiful.

And that was not my point either – after the film we were wondering about school. If, like for real, we do end up somewhere in Africa, will all those fancy theories help us to make it? I doubt it. But to get there and to live the reality I have to pass these exams.

There is no point me analysing the film, but anyone who has seen it can surely understand why I liked it. And not it is also not the conversations about relationships and life (how old are you? -31, you married? – no, do you have children? – no, do you have a home? – no…why does this sound so familiar?...or the thing about past don’t know how many boyfriends thinking that she likes to live in a constant state of crises).

Maybe you have to be a student of international something and live in a little dream world where you still think you can make a difference to really appreciate the film – who knows? But even then, it just climbed up to the top of my list when it comes to recent cinema. Obviously I still prefer Mary Poppins but not sure if these two can really be compared…


This morning I woke up when the sun was shining brightly through the window. I knew I had a long day of revision ahead of me so I forced my self out of the bed and turned my computer and the coffee maker (in this order) on.

The first thing on my list was going to the bank. I knew this was going to be shock and horror on Saturday morning, but I didn’t have a choice. On my way out I looked into my mailbox, expecting to find it empty.

In it was a card, with a funny giraffe saying “hello you” and when I turned the card around my sister’s tidy handwriting said “if you are smiling, my mission has been completed”.

And yes – I am still smiling…

Friday, February 02, 2007

the world is just too small...

Sometimes it is scary how small the world is. By accident, in my French class at school I met a Finnish girl. Not only did we find out that we have spent several years of our lives in the same, small Finnish town but also that we have mutual friends.

This afternoon she sent me a text to find out if I want to go for a drink with her and one of her friends from Scotland – sure, why not. It should be fun. I got to the meeting point just to find out that this guy had been in my high school in Finland. Also, he is good friends with someone I have lost contact with long long time ago. In fact it just seems like everybody knows everybody.

We spent a good night and several glasses of wine together. Oh and I was told, by a Frenchman, that I don’t look like a Finn but like someone who has a Finnish mom and an Italian dad. This makes me wonder as just a week ago I was told I have a Greek nose.

I like to think that by leaving everything behind and moving to a new place I can start from scratch and try again. Yet, no matter how hard I try there is something that reminds me of the times that were and the places I used to know and keep me connected.

So no matter how fast and far I run, the past catches on. Or maybe I’m just not running far enough…