am i homesick? that can't be

Homesickness has never been part of my vocabulary because the concept itself has been unknown to me. Ever since I was a little girl I have comfortably moved from place to place and home to home. In fact my home is where my coffee mug is.

During the past week or so I have, however, been feeling extremely homesick –for Finland I think. I am not absolutely sure if it is Finland I am missing per se but at least they things and places I am longing for resemble Finland more than a lot.

I want to be able to drink my morning coffee and read the newspaper on a Sunday morning. I want to read the kids names of newborn babies out loud and comment them with a critical tone – obviously my future Roosa, Ronja, Rasmus and Roope will have much better names than any of those children in the paper.

I want to collect things, little home decoration items that have no particular use but look nice. I want to have my books in the same apartment with me and an oven in which I can bake cakes and bread and a proper kitchen in which to make food. I want to be able to empty my grandma’s fridge and freezer of berries, jams and compotes and take my findings into mine to accompany my morning porridge.

I want to start my school in the morning and go home in the afternoon and not stay there past dinner time. I also want to, on a Sunday evening “watch” the night’s film on TV, even if I am doing hundred million other things at the same time. I want to be able to get proper black candy, blueberry yoghurt and million different kinds of porridge and sour milk from the grocery shop.

I want to be able to rent a film and watch it with a huge back of pick and mix, which cost me hardly anything. I want to have double glazing in my window during the winter so that I don’t have the wind blowing inside when I am curled up on the sofa.

In fact I have no idea what I really want but I do want something else. Maybe I am just getting old and want to have safety and security or maybe I just need to move on and get something new and exciting into my life.

I told my friend I want to come back to Finland and the comment I got from him was “yeah what ever”. He has been telling me I should go back at least for a year after graduation but at the same time he thinks I would get frustrated and annoyed as soon as the autumn comes. Apparently I have lost my touch with the reality and am longing for a dream world that doesn’t really even exist.

Still, I want to read a proper newspaper in the morning and have magazines that appear into my mailbox on a monthly basis, or as often as they come out.